


Headfirst Into the Abyss

by laurensisahufflepuff (arborealstops)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/M, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Character of Color, LGBTQ Female Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-05-18 00:20:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14841992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arborealstops/pseuds/laurensisahufflepuff
Summary: This is originally published to Wattpad (laurensisahufflepuff) and fanfiction.net (also laurensisahufflepuff).  It's got some weird angstiness and it's my first fanfiction, so... enjoy![EDIT] 6/24/2018:I'm currently re-writing this on Wattpad, so if you want the better version, check it out there.  This will still be the older version until further notice.





	1. Longing for Something to Be a Part Of

**Author's Note:**

> This is originally published to Wattpad (laurensisahufflepuff) and fanfiction.net (also laurensisahufflepuff). It's got some weird angstiness and it's my first fanfiction, so... enjoy!
> 
> [EDIT] 6/24/2018:  
> I'm currently re-writing this on Wattpad, so if you want the better version, check it out there. This will still be the older version until further notice.

"That's your sixth coffee this morning, Alex. I'm starting to worry about you."

Alex looked up at his best friend with a sigh. "I know, Peggy, but I've got to find a place to stay. You've seen the reviews for the dorms..." he made an exaggerated face. "They're terrible."

Peggy shook her head. "I'm telling you, Laf wouldn't mind if you stayed with him..."

Alex shook his head. He barely knew Peggy's boyfriend, and there were two others rooming with him that Alex didn't know at all. Besides- "I don't have the money for even a quarter of one of those rooms."

"Shush!" At first, Alex assumed that Peggy was just trying to stop him from talking.

"But you know it's tr-"

"Shut up!" Peggy hissed, and Alex looked up. Peggy's phone was pressed to her ear. Alex frowned and mouthed "who?"

Peggy shook her head and groaned when whoever it was didn't pick up. She dialed the number again, looking impatient.

"who are you-"

"Laf! Finally!" Peggy shook her head. "What do you mean, you were still asleep? It's almost eleven!" She rolled her eyes and laughed. "Whatever. There's someone I want you to meet-" she winked at Alex. "And bring the gang. I might have a new roommate for you.."

"No!" Alex reached across the café table and tried to pull the phone out of her hand, but she leaped out of her chair and danced away from him.

"No, no, he's great, you'll love him," she laughed into the phone. "Come on, I've known him forever."

She tilted her head, listening to Lafayette as she continued to move away from Alex.

"Perfect! I'll see you in ten."

Alex groaned. "Peggyyyy," he whined as she hung up. "I told you, I'm not rooming with your boyfriend-"

"Just meet the gang, okay?" Peggy met his eyes, and added with a smirk, "Besides, I think you'll like one of them..." she teased.

He sighed. "Peggy, you know I'm too busy with school for that, and besides... you're the only one who knows."

Peggy sighed. "Alright, alright... but you still have to meet them."

Alex started to shake his head, but just then, the café door opened and three men burst in, all laughing at something or another.

"Pegs!" Lafayette wrapped an arm around Peggy's waist, and Alex couldn't help laughing at her little blush.

Laf looked over at Alex. "Hey man." he grinned and nodded a hello before looking toward the other two men. "John! Herc! Get your asses over here!"

Lafayette's roommates appeared on either side of him. One had short, cropped hair under a dark grey beanie, and the other had a wild mane of curls and was holding a steaming cup of coffee.

"Heyo, I'm Hercules. Hercules Mulligan." He waved. "Resident artist-"

"-and fuckboy." Lafayette laughed.

"Oh shut up, frenchie." Herc punched Laf playfully. "Anyway, that's John."

"I can speak for myself." The young man mumbled. "I'm John Laurens, I drink literally two pints of coffee a day, and I'm also what Laf would call the resident gay." He rolled his eyes, and I blushed. Damnit, Alex! I thought to myself. You don't have the time for this. But still, my eyes were glued to his dark green ones and I felt heat creeping up my face.

"-and if you join us, you'll be rooming with me." I hadn't even realized that John was still talking. I watched as a confused look came over his face, and his nose wrinkled adorably.

"Alexander?" I snapped out of it. "Are you okay?"

"It's- it's just Alex. And- and- I'm fine." I blushed deeply, wishing I could go hide in a hole.

"Did you hear anything I said?" His eyes sparkled slightly, and I could tell he was amused.

"Um.. something about rooming with you?"

Hercules laughed and wiggled his eyebrows at me. I rolled my eyes, still blushing.

"Yes, if you come stay you'll be-"

"I'll do it."

John looked surprised for a moment, then grinned and flung an arm around my shoulders. "Welcome to the team, Alexander."

I didn't bother correcting him.


	2. Can I Buy You a Drink?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander gets to third-wheel! Yay!!!

One week later and I was officially moved in. I didn't have much stuff to bring with me, but there was a somewhat extensive pile of paperwork to fill out. Something about not attacking my roommates, and upholding my part of the costs, and then a few things that said that I wouldn't just sleep there, that I had to get to know my roommates. Oh, also, that I couldn't have a dog because Lafayette- Laf, as he had asked me to call him- was allergic. I was fine with all that. It would be nice starting out my first year at King's College with a few friends. 

Peggy wasn't joining us this year. Being younger than all of us, she still had a year left of high school- not that I minded too much. It was already more than enough cuteness when she came over to see Laf. I swear, she spends the whole time cuddling in his lap. Although, it is nice when she cooks for us... Hercules doesn't like her much. At least, as far as I can tell. Every time she's over, he locks himself in the bedroom that he and Lafayette share, and only comes out for food. 

Personally, I didn't think I could spend much time in my room. It wasn't very exciting; a bunk bed, pressed up against a wall; some of John's childhood photos, taped to the door; a desk, covered in papers, books, and John's laptop; and a dresser that somehow managed to hold all of our clothes. Oh, and John's turtle. 

Despite the fact that it wasn't my favourite room in the apartment- that would be the living room- that's where John found me on my first day in the apartment, lying on my bed, thinking. Admittedly, I was thinking about John when he called my name. 

"Alexander!" The shout came from down the hall, probably the kitchen. 

I jumped and sat up, opening my mouth to correct him, but I was interrupted by a voice from across the hall. "His name is Alex!"

I laughed, scrambling down from the bed. "Thanks Herc. What's up, Johnny Boy?"

He stepped into the room, rolling his eyes. "Don't call me Johnny Boy," he grumbled. 

"Don't call me Alexander," I replied with a grin. "Anyway. What's up?"

"Me and Thomas are going out for coffee with his friend James, if you're interested." 

I'd been here long enough to know that Thomas was John's boyfriend of three months. He and Laf were cousins, but Thomas's family had moved to the United States long before Lafayette had. He was known for not only being very outspoken, but also for his fascination with the color magenta. Everything he wore was some shade of magenta or purple. He certainly seemed like an interesting person to me, but third-wheeling with John didn't exactly sound like the best way to spend his Thursday night. 

But then, John added with a small smile "I think you'll really like James," and I finally understood. He's trying to set me up!

A small noise escaped my lips, some combination of a laugh and a cough. John looked at me curiously, and I just shook my head. "I'll tag along, I suppose." 

John smiled brightly, and I couldn't help a grin splitting my face, too. "Great! We're meeting at Seabury's Cafe at eleven, so we'll have to leave soon."

I nodded. "Great. Let me shower and we can leave in... twenty minutes?"

"Great!" John spun around and practically skipped after him, leaving me wondering what on earth I had just signed myself up for.


	3. You and I. Do or Die.

"So," Thomas Jefferson took a seat across from me. "You must be the new roommate. What is it? Alexander?"

"Alex." I corrected him quickly. Of course John would still only call me by my full name. "Please, just Alex."

"Yeah, don't call him Alexander." John drew out my name as he slid into the seat next to Thomas, passing me my coffee. "Or he might come up with a terrible nickname."

"Oh?" Thomas turned to John with a twinkle in his eyes. "Really? What's yours?"

"Johnny boy," John said with a small eye-roll.

"Well, Johnny boy," Thomas replied, "How about you come over to my apartment tonight and we can try out that new nickname of yours?"

"Thomas, stop it. We all know you're the one begging for more." I twisted my neck as another man entered the cafe. He nodded to me as he slid into the booth. "I'm James. Madison. James Madison." Despite the nice weather, he wore a large sweater and a scarf. "And I'm sorry you're being forced to witness this." 

He nodded toward John and Thomas, who were somehow locked in a liplock. My face heated up quickly, and I looked away. 

When I looked back up, I saw James still glaring at John and Thomas. He looked ready to kill them. A sudden thought dawned on me, and I tapped James's shoulder. "How about we go find our own table before we see something we can never unsee?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the exceedingly short chapter, I just wanted this to be a little go-between kind of thing.


	4. No Matter What They Tell You

"You like one of them," I insisted. It had taken a bit for me to realize why James had been glaring so fiercely at John and Thomas, but I had, eventually, figured it out.

James shook his head again, his face bright red. I wasn't going to lie, he was kind of cute- but more in that adorable, 'I need to be your best friend' kind of way.

"Oh, come on!"

James buried his face behind his hands. "Fine!" he muttered.

"What was that?" I leaned forward with a smile.

"I said fine!" He quickly lowered his voice before continuing. "It's Thomas, okay? I like Thomas." Something about the way he said it led me to believe that he hadn't really admitted to it before.

I cooed softly, and James swatted at me from across the table. We'd spent the last twenty minutes or so talking to each other and relentlessly ignoring our companions. James was actually really sweet- I could picture him and Thomas together easily. Thomas was like the fire, while James was the gentle breeze that helped keep Thomas going.

"Now that I've admitted that, though, you have to at least admit that you like John."

I feigned shock. "Me? Like John?" I forced a very fake scoff. "Never."

James raised his eyebrows. Despite only knowing him for less than a half hour, we had become fast friends and I was pretty sure he had figured me out within the first five minutes.

"Okay, fine, you got me." I rolled my eyes, blushing as he laughed. "I knew it! You guys would be so cute together, I mean-"

"Jemmy!" Thomas's distinct southern accent interrupted us, and James looked up at him. "I'm taking John back to my apartment, so I wouldn't recommend coming, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah, Alexander, don't expect me home tonight." John was practically clinging to Thomas as he spoke. "And we're taking my car, so you'll have to get a ride with James."

James nodded as if this happened everyday, and I forced myself to do the same, muttering "It's Alex," as the two men left the café.

Sighing, I stood, tossing my cardboard cup into the trash. "Well, if you find mind, I'm about ready to get back to the apartment..."

James nodded. "Lets go." He stood and led me out to his car.

· · ·

We were about halfway back to the apartment when my phone rang. I looked down at the screen. There was no caller ID, just a phone number that seemed to be local. I frowned, assuming it was probably a college thing. I swiped the answer button and put the phone up to my ear.

"Alexander?" I didn't recognize the voice. "This is Dr. Franklin from Lynox Hill Hospital. You were the first contact listed for a-" I heard papers shuffling, and an unsettled feeling settled over my chest. "-a Mr. Johnathon Laurens?"

I swallowed last the growing lump in my throat. "Y- yes?" My voice came out barely above a hoarse whisper. I cleared my throat before repeating myself. "Yes?"

I saw James give me a worried look, but I shook my head, indicating for him to keep driving. "What happened?" I said into the phone.

"He's been in an accident. It seems..." I hardly caught another word that the doctor said. My chest tightened, and I had difficulty breathing until I heard the words "stable condition."

As soon as the doctor uttered those words, I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding. "Is he okay?"

"Yes, he's okay. Just some bruised ribs and a few cuts and scrapes, that's all."

"Alex?"

I looked over at James and suddenly a sickening thought came to mind.

"Was he with anyone?"

 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I forgot to mention this- when you see "* * *" that means it's switching point of view


	5. And Peggy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter with James's point of view!!

"Where is he? _Where is Thomas!?_ " I skidded down the pristine white hallway to the reception desk. "Where is Thomas? Thomas Jefferson? Can I see him? Please, let me see him!" I leaned heavily against the desk just as Alex caught up to me. 

"James, James," he said softly, wrapping an arm around me and holding me to his chest. Some part of my brain told me that I was being irrational, but I didn't care much. Thankfully, Alex was able to get an answer out of the startled nurse. 

"He's still being worked on, but you should be able to see him soon." Alex gently tugged me over to one of the hard plastic chairs. "Just try to relax, James. He's going to be okay." Alex's voice was soothing, and my sudden worried adrenaline rush died at the same time that my stupid cold caught up with me. I sniffled softly, leaning against Alex. As Alex continued murmuring soft reassurances, I closed my eyes. 

· · ·

"James." Someone shook my shoulder gently, and I groaned. "James!" I recognized the voice as Alex's, and I frowned. Why on earth am I with Alex? 

He shook my shoulder once more, then added quietly, "Thomas can have visitors now." Suddenly, the earlier events came rushing back, and I sat up quickly, causing my head to spin. I blinked a few times and shook my head, trying to focus. 

"Where is he?" My voice crackled slightly from the sleep, and I glanced down at my watch. It was almost five o'clock, which meant that I'd been sleeping for... almost three hours. Had Thomas been in critical condition that whole time? 

"He's down the hall. The nurse says he's asleep, but you can go see him anyway." I craned my neck around to see who'd just spoken. "Oh! I'm Peggy," A girl on Alex's other side smiled slightly. 

"I called her a little after you fell asleep." Alex blushed slightly. "It's kind of lonely by yourself, waiting for your friend to be ready for visitors. Not that I minded you sleeping," he added. "It's just hard to talk to someone who sleeps like the dead."

My face heated up slightly. "It's just because of my stupid cold," I muttered. "Anyway, do you mind if I go see Thomas?" 

"Of course not." Alexander smiled sympathetically. 

I nodded, looking down at my feet and following a friendly nurse's directions to Thomas's room.

* * * 

"Sure," Peggy teased. "Of course you don't have a crush on James."

I shook my head rapidly. "It's not like that!" I insisted for what must have been the five hundredth time. "We're just friends. We only met today, it's just... I knew he was worried, and he didn't look good, so... I let him sleep on my shoulder. That's all."

"Mhm." Peggy gave me a look, which I ignored. 

"Do you think John is awake yet?" I changed the subject in a not-so-subtle way. 

Peggy let it go easily. "I dunno, go ask a nurse or something." She stood and stretched. "And I am going to go and see Lafayette. We were supposed to have dinner together, but you and John are obviously more important." She smiled sympathetically. "Let John know that I'll be back with Laf and Hercules to see him tomorrow, 'kay?"

I nodded and gave her a quick hug before finding my way to John's room. 

* * *


	6. Silence!

"Thomas?" I said his name softly as I slipped into the darkened room. There was no response, which meant that he was probably sleeping. Still, I repeated his name once more, just to make sure. The only response was the steady beeping of one of the machines. 

I walked carefully closer, trying to see where the worst damage was. Thomas's entire right leg was in a cast and there were bandages around his shirtless torso. It looked like his right wrist might have been wrapped, too, but I couldn't tell in the dark. 

"Goddammit, Thomas," I muttered softly, settling into one of the plastic chairs near his bed. "Goddammit." 

The beeping of the machine and the lack of movement from my best friend pushed me to tears. I curled up in my chair for a minute, sniffling softly, before looking back at Thomas.

"Damn it," I muttered. "Damn you Thomas. Don't ever do this to me again. You can't just go getting into accidents like this. Without thinking about the rest of us. You've got to wake up so I can say this to your face. How could you be so stupid? Not thinking about the rest of us?" I knew that I was rambling, that nothing I said made sense. It wasn't his fault, after all. But I was in pain and I needed to say something. Anything. 

"I hate this! I hate no knowing and I hate seeing you hurt and I hate you!" Tears streamed down my face. "I hate you so much. For picking stupid John Laurens, for never noticing me, for being my best friend, for getting in this damn accident, for looking so helpless, for making-" My voice cracked. 

"-for making me fall in love with you, you stupid fucking dumbass." Suddenly I was drowning in my tears again. I was sobbing loudly, an absolute mess of snot and tears, but I didn't care much. I just had to make sure I was there when Thomas woke up.

Suddenly, I thought I saw his hand move. I quickly wiped my face off with my sleeves- gross, I know, but I didn't have anything better. I couldn't stop my sniffling though. 

"T- Thomas?" I whispered, my voice a little hoarse from all the ranting and crying. 

There was a cough from his bed, and I saw him blinking. 

"Thomas! You're awake!" At this point, I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or start violently beating the hell out of him. 

"J- Jemmy?" He struggled to sit up, but I gently pushed him back down.

"Yep. It's me." A small blush accompanied the grin splitting my face. 

"Where's John? Is he okay?"

Suddenly the grin became a little more forced. I was happy that Thomas was happy, but I was still jealous of John sometimes. "Yeah, he's fine." The doctors had told Alex that John's ribs were bruised, but that seemed to be the extent of his injuries. 

"Where is he?" Thomas's eyes were filled with worry, and I didn't think he believed me. "Where is John?"

"I'm right here."

* * *

I tried to stop him from leaving the room. I really did. But, although I've been told I'm impossible to handle, a stressed John is even worse. 

"Where's Thomas?"

Those were the first words I heard as I opened the door to John's room. "Hello to you, too," I mumbled as I stepped fully into the room. 

"Oh. Alexander." He blushed slightly. "I thought you were another nurse."

"It's fine." I offered him a smile. He was sitting up in his bed, looking none the worse for wear. "How are you?"

"I'm fine." John waved the question off carelessly. He seemed to think for a minute before sheepishly adding, "Do you know where Thomas is?"

I should have known that that would be the first thing he asked about. I sighed, looking down at my sneakers. "He's just down the-" I looked up as something clattered to the floor. 

"Oops," John muttered, reaching down to pick up the plastic cup he'd knocked over. He grunted in pain, and I reached over and picked it up for him. 

"What are you doing?"

"I have to see Thomas." I saw him grimace as he straightened up. "I've got to make sure he's okay."

"He's fine." I was only lying a little, right? 

John saw right through me. "Take me to see him. I have to make sure he's okay."

I shook my head. "You need to stay-" I groaned. 

John was already halfway to the door. Sighing, I chased after him. "Fine. I'm coming."

He nodded, grunting as he stumbled slightly, and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. Mine slid around his waist and I half-carried him down the hall, ignoring my pounding heart.


	7. I'm Your Man

John came home the day after the accident, but it was almost like he hadn't. He spent every free moment at the hospital with Thomas, and I spent my free time in one of two places- at my new job at Domino's or with James. Since the accident, we'd started spending more time together. It was easier than watching John and Thomas all over each other in a hospital room. 

The other guys noticed that I seemed to be avoiding the hospital. I saw them giving me odd looks every time I turned down an offer to join Herc or Laf and Peggy to visit John, but other than that, they didn't say anything until about three days after the accident. 

I was curled up on the couch with James watching Netflix when suddenly Lafayette is blocking my view. I lazily paused the show and look up at Laf. "Yes...?"

"Herc and I are going to visit John." I saw him hesitate, then he added, "Are you-"

"No." I shook my head, leaning against James. "I'm not going."

Lafayette frowned. He looked like he was deciding whether or not to speak. He finally sighed and started talking. 

"Are you mad at John or something?" He frowned down at me. "Every time we show up, he's always asking where you are... he's hurt, Alex." His eyes bore into mine, and I looked away. 

He stared at me for a few seconds longer, then sighed heavily. "You better figure your shit out soon, or I swear on ma vie, I will kick you out."

I felt all the blood rushing to my face. How could I explain to Lafayette why I was avoiding John? I felt James's arm wrap around my chest, but I pushed him away. 

Sitting up, a saw the hurt look on James's face, and I immediately felt bad. But I couldn't go back to cuddling right now. 

"I have to go to see him."

* * *

I didn't go with him. I don't know for sure, but I felt like it was worse for me. Thomas and I had been best friends forever, but he basically threw me away for John Laurens. I had spent many days cursing his name after they'd gotten together, but I honestly liked the guy. I was just jealous. So, I didn't go to the hospital with Alex. 

Instead, I went back to my own apartment- my roommate, Aaron Burr, was gone, thank goodness- and sat on the couch, reading. I was about halfway through re-reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix when my phone rang. I looked down at the screen and saw Alex's name. Frowning, I answered. 

"Alex?"

"James." He sounded worried. "James, you've got to come here."

I was shocked. "Alex you know I can't-"

"James. Thomas needs you." 

I could hear the worry in his voice and suddenly I was grabbing my car keys. "What's wrong?"

"I think he should tell you."

My breath hitched. This sounded bad. "Alex, what-"

"James I can't tell you. It's not my place." He wanted to tell me, I could tell. He felt bad about leaving me in the dark. But that meant that Thomas wanted me to hear it from him, and that couldn't be good. 

After a moment he broke the silence. "Drive carefully, okay? But don't take too long."

"I'm on my way."


	8. Be Real a Second

I sat stiffly in a chair, staring at Thomas blankly. I knew I should say something. I really did. He was sitting up in his bed, tears spilling down his face. Despite how badly he'd wanted to tell me himself, he hadn't been able to get the words out on his own. Instead, I'd heard from Dr. Franklin.

My eyes met Thomas's and he looked down. His flushed face showed his embarrassment, and his wild eyes showed how terrified he was. Seeing those two things on my best friend's face- my confident, cocky best friend- nearly brought me to tears. But I knew Thomas needed me to be strong right now. 

"So-" My voice was scratchy from the lump in my throat, and I tried again. "So... it's permanent?" I looked to my left, where the doctor stood. 

He hesitated a moment, then nodded. I took a deep breath. "Could I be alone with Thomas for a minute, please?"

Dr. Franklin nodded quickly. "I'll be back in a few minutes," he said as he quietly slipped outside. 

As soon as the door closed, Thomas let out a whimper. "James-" his voice broke and he let out a choked sob. Standing, I moved to his bed and wrapped my arms around him, letting him sob into my shoulder. 

"Thomas, it'll be okay, we'll figure it out, alright?" I rubbed his back comfortingly, letting him cry it out. "I promise I'll do whatever I can. I'll walk you to classes, whatever you need-"

"I need to be able to walk!" He picked his head up off my shoulder. "I need to be able to run, to ride a bike, to go places on my own, to stand up, to do all of that, but I can't, and nothing you do can change that!"

He must have seen the shocked look on my face, because he muttered a quick apology. I shook my head. "It's okay, Thomas. And... the doctor said you could still walk on it a little bit. And- and a cane wouldn't be so bad, would it?" 

His face dropped into a glower again. "Canes are for old men."

I frowned. "Come on, only some canes are for old men." My expression brightened slightly as I came up with an idea. "We could get you one of those fancy gold canes and decorate it with tape and glitter and cloth and..."

* * *

I peered through the window in the door, trying to see how James was doing. I knew he'd been really stressed about coming to see Thomas, but I also knew that he would want to be there for his best friend. 

I'd called James as soon as the doctor told me. I probably should have told John first- he still didn't know, and neither did Laf and Hercules, who were with him right now- but I felt like Thomas probably needed James more right now. He'd grown up with James, and, despite the fact that he obviously loved John, he was closer to James. 

I smiled as I watched the two of them. James was sitting on Thomas's bed, and they were laughing about something. I smiled, watching James. He looked happier than he had in days.

Suddenly, Lafayette appeared over my shoulder. "How is your _amour?_ " He asked with a small smirk.

My face flushed a deep red. "What-" I coughed. "What are you talking about?"

"I see the way you look at James," Laf replied, causing my blush to deepen. "It's... _charmant._ You should tell him."

I swallowed hard, shaking my head slowly. Me, have feelings for James Madison? Impossible. "There's nothing going on, Laf," I insisted. "He likes someone else anyway."

" _Vraiment?_ " Lafayette raised an eyebrow.

I nodded glumly, peeking back at James and Thomas. They were laying side by side, smiling and talking. They literally looked perfect together- like they fit together, were born for each other. Like soulmates. I felt a small pang in my chest and frowned. Was Laf right? No. No way. 

_There is no way I have a crush on James Madison._

* * *


	9. Which One?

My phone pinged and I leaned across Thomas's torso to grab it off the coffee table. I was at his house, currently watching Netflix, with Thomas sleeping on my lap, but earlier we had been decorating his new cane. He still complained about it, but I noticed him leaning heavily on it when I wasn't looking. I was worried about him. The accident had injured the muscles in his left leg, and he would never be able to use it properly again. 

My phone pinged again, and I looked down to see two messages from Alex.

A.Ham: heyyyy james

A.Ham: How's T?

I laughed silently, looking down at Thomas. He looked more relaxed and happy than he had in days. I brushed a curl out of his face with a smile.

MadHatter: pretty good. he's asleep.

I watched Thomas sleep for a moment. It was soothing to see the rise and fall of his chest. My phone pinged again, and Thomas twitched. I frowned and looked down at the message.

A.Ham: wanna come to lunch? me and laf and herc and John and u

Glancing down at Thomas, I hit the call button.

* * *

"No! We should go to-" Hercules was cut off by the ringing of someone's phone. It took me a few seconds to realize that it was mine.

"Hello?" I answered without checking the ID.

"Hey, Alex." James's voice was soft, so I figured he must be somewhere near Thomas. "I don't think I can make it to lunch."

I felt my heart sink, but I shook my head. "Its fine, Jame."

He must have heard something in my voice, because his voice was suddenly very apologetic. "Thomas is asleep on my lap, and I don't want to wake him up. This is the most relaxed he's been in days." 

I understood. The reason I was so eager to go to lunch was because John hadn't left the apartment in days and he needed to get out. "Its fine, James." I couldn't help adding, "Maybe tomorrow?"

"Sounds great. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye James."

He had already hung up. I frowned. Why on earth was I jealous of Thomas right now? The same Thomas Jefferson who couldn't even walk right now? I groaned and shook my head, looking up to find everyone staring at me. "...Yes?"

Lafayette shrugged, a small smirk on his face, and for some reason I felt embarrassed.

"We have decided where we are going, _mon ami_ ," Laf told me. "John picked Pizza Hut."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this sucks. This is literally just a filler chapter that I posted on Wattpad today because I haven't posted all weekend. I'm super-duper sorry that it's so bad, but I have my next chapter planned out... sort of. I kind of want to do something with the Laurens Interlude later where we have something from John's point of view, but the thing I want to have happen in his pov is what's probably going to happen in the next chapter... whoops. Be prepared for more angst!!!


	10. Look Into Your Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ooo it's some angsty feelings and breakups and me wondering who Alex is even gonna end up with

"He did what!?" 

John picked at a piece of pepperoni on his pizza. "Earlier today, when I went to visit him... He said he just didn't think I was 'the one' and he didn't want to hold me back." He finally looked up at Hercules and Lafayette. "I thought-" His voice cracked and he shook his head. "I thought he was the one. He sounded so sad... he said he loved me but-" He shook his head. 

Gently, I wrapped my arm around his shoulders, and he leaned against me. "I never expected him to do that..." he whispered, not really talking to anyone. 

I didn't reply. I hadn't really said anything throughout the entire conversation. I couldn't. It would be unfair of me to say that I had expected it, even if it was true. I'd expected that Thomas would break up with John since the day I'd brought James to visit. In fact, I had flat-out told Thomas to break up with John. Maybe it had hurt a bit to do something like that to my friend, my roommate, but it was better than what could have happened. 

· · ·

_I nodded glumly, peeking back at James and Thomas. They were laying side by side, smiling and talking. They literally looked perfect together- like they fit together, were born for each other. Like soulmates. I felt a small pang in my chest and frowned. Was Laf right? No. No way._

__

__

There is no way I have a crush on James Madison. 

Refusing to think about it any more, I looked back at them, and barely held back a shocked gasp. James had his lips pressed to Thomas's- or maybe it was the other way around. Either way, they were stuck in a liplock, and they looked like they'd wanted that forever. Ignoring the hollow feeling in my chest, I knocked on the door and watched as they sprang apart.

When I walked in, James couldn't meet my eyes. For some reason, I felt betrayed, but I was also pissed. "James," I began, "I need to talk to- to Thomas." I didn't take my eyes off of Thomas, who was blushing but holding my gaze well. 

I watched James leave and turned back to Thomas, preparing to yell at him, but I couldn't. He looked terrified, and confused, and I sighed. I could understand those feelings. 

_"You have to end it."_

* * *

I whined as Thomas pulled the pillow off of my face. "I'm sick," I groaned, burying my face in the blanket that I had borrowed the night before.

"Don't even start with me, Jem," he glared down at me, but his face was soft and I could tell he wasn't really angry. "At least you can walk."

"Oh, pulling the disability card now, are we?" I sat up anyway, and he leaned down to give me a kiss.

I covered his lips with my hand and he muttered something against my fingers. "I'm sick, Thomas," I reminded him, pulling my hand away before he could lick me. "And you have a boyfriend." I gave him a look, even though it felt like someone was sitting on my chest as I said it. 

He gave me an odd look. "You checked out pretty quickly last night, didn't you?"

I shrugged. "Probably. I'm sick, Thomas. Do you know what sick means? S-I-C-K, sick, in need of more sleep, warmth, and food. Not feeling great, being und-"

He slapped a hand over my mouth. "Shut up, Jimmy James," he laughed. "I know what sick means." He gave me another curious look. "You really don't remember what I told you last night?"

I froze, smile slipping off my face. What had he said? "No..."

"I broke up with him, James. I broke up with John." He stared at me intently.

I was shocked. He and John had been inseparable for as long as they had been dating. "You- why-?"

Thomas's expression darkened into a worried frown. "James?"

"Yeah?" I muttered, hoping that there wasn't some other big event that I had missed.

"I broke up with him because of you," he said softly. "Because- because you told me you loved me, James." I could see how hurt he was, and suddenly I felt really, really guilty.

"Tommy..." I pulled him down so that I could hug him tightly. "You shouldn't have done that, love," I murmured. "I do love you, I do, and of course I remember telling you, I've wanted to say it for years. But..." I drew away from him and looked down. "That's not fair to John- or you."

"James-"

"No, don't tell me I'm wrong. I'm your best friend, which means-"

"-which means you should know that I love you, James. A lot." His eyes met mine, and I finally stopped talking. "You always were better at feelings than I was, but really, listen this time. I love you, James."

I bit my lip and looked away, blushing deeply. "T- Thomas-" I wanted to tell him that I loved him too, that I always had, that I used to dream of a moment like this.

He seemed to understand what I couldn't put into words. His arms wrapped around me, and somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought to myself, Alexander's hugs were softer. But the thought disappeared as soon as it had appeared, and Thomas pulled away.

"I made macaroni," he smiled softly, grabbing my hand. "Let's go eat."

I followed him, Alexander slipping from my mind completely.

**Author's Note:**

> This is originally published to Wattpad (laurensisahufflepuff) and fanfiction.net (also laurensisahufflepuff). It's got some weird angstiness and it's my first fanfiction, so... enjoy!
> 
> [EDIT] 6/24/2018:  
> I'm currently re-writing this on Wattpad, so if you want the better version, check it out there. This will still be the older version until further notice.


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